nom nom nom nom nom nom

A few years back we were going out to a couple of parties with Rob and Robyn. Coming along with us on the first part of the night was our other friend Vance, his baby mama Brandy, and their baby, Jonah. 

The first party was a birthday shindig for a camera person Rob works with and also for someone's roommate, so there were a few film people we knew there, but then plenty of people that we didn't know. Brandy is carrying Jonah around bundled up in a sling from this room to that room. Pam and I have been hanging in the back yard but go inside because we each have to go the restroom. As we go thru the kitchen, we see Vance and Brandy in a circle of people. She's talking to some girl, kinda punkish looking. From our point-of-view and their body language, it seems like they know each other and we go about our business.

Dissolve to: a little while later. We're back outside when Brandy comes out and announces that the punkish girl we'd seen her talking with just said she wanted to eat Jonah.

"We thought you knew her," we said. She said she'd never met the girl before. She just came up and they started talking and then all of a sudden she said, "Man, I'd really like to eat your kid right about now."

"Am I wrong to be totally freaked out?" Brandy asked. "Is that a normal thing? To tell a total stranger that you'd like to eat their baby? Because then she kept repeating it: 'I'm gonna eat your baby. I'm gonna eat your baby.' "

"Some people's sense of humor...." someone said. 

"No, I don't think so," Brandy said. "She was waiting for a response and, like, licking her lips."

About this time the back door opens and the punkish girl comes out with a friend. Their beer cups are empty and they have to get thru us to hit the keg.

Punkish girl to her friend: "See, look, you know he's just going to be all soft and tender."

Maybe the chick was an actress because she did not have that sparkle in her eye that says, "I am totally messing with these people," which is what Pam and I had just been thinking. Someone's just screwing with you. 

As if on cue, the punkish girl says to Brandy as she walks by, "Seriously, I would totally eat your baby. Just... well, you know," and walks back into the house.

We all kind of look at each other and laugh at the freakshow who just passed thru our lives. For whatever reason, we don't co-mingle with the rest of the party for the remainder of the time we're there and Brandy never takes an arm off Jonah.

Cut to: last week, Pam and I are working on the registry and going thru the clothes section. There's all these little clothes and little shoes and it's hard not to scan everything. I'm a guy and as such there's an unwritten rule that I'm only supposed to use the word "cute" in the context of a good-looking girl. But walking around looking at the camo shorts and the Kenneth Cole outfits and the size 0 Chuck Taylors, it was total cute overload. 

And all I wanted to do was eat everything I saw. I just wanted to put it in my mouth and commence to gnawing. Sweater---nom nom nom... overalls with a moose on them---nom nom nom... little man tracksuit---nom nom nom... 8-pack of socks that won't fit on my finger---nom nom nom NOM NOM NOM!!!

However much I might have thought punkish girl was just messing with Brandy, I now know that she definitely wasn't. She just couldn't help herself.


ennea999 said...


ennea999 said...

ps. please please please teach your baby to say "nom nom nom nom". it's a perfect baby sentence.

roachy said...

I must say I use this phrase A LOT! Just the other day a co-worker and I were talking about how we would just love to eat up one of our other co-worker's pre-kindergarten daughter- she is just soooooo adorable. We want to squeeze and hold her... we can't get enough.
However, thinking back to that night, and I do remember it often, that girl seemed to really have a different agenda. She talked about how he would taste like baby lamb in her mouth. How plump and moist he would be. Honestly, she looked like she would roast him up.
All that said, please do not be afraid when baby lighthouse is born and I say, "I could just eat him up." As you know now, I don't mean it literally.